I read a blog post this morning. I followed a Twitter link to find the article.
I don't know this woman at all. But her article is a great read for married folks.
She swears a lot and is very blunt....but so much of what she says just may have your nodding your head in agreement and wiping a tear.
My sis Janet read it and she loved it too. Except for the swears.
Renegade Mothering: Meg Ryan Ruins Marriages
Dan, she does use the swears ;-)
ReplyDeleteInteresting article and she makes some good points. I agree that a spouse is not there to fulfill all our expectations - nobody on earth can do that.
35 years for us in 2 weeks, and I can not imagine being married to anyone else. He's a keeper. And she's right, who would want to break in a new hubby? No thanks :-)
As for her blog, ouch - not really my kind of community -- the comments were a mixed bag and not actually a safe place in general. Makes me so thankful for QLCS!
Thanks Donna and have a beautiful weekend!
Happy Upcoming Anniversary Susan! jep
DeleteThanks jep :-)
DeleteI did not read the comments. Yes. This place is very nice. I'm thankful for you all!
ReplyDeleteI saw your tweet and followed the link to the
ReplyDeleteblog. Except for the language, it resonated with
me. I am in a dark spot where I am trapped
between vocal parents and an equally vocal
husband, so it made me feel not so alone. But
I like your little corner of the world better
Miz Boo, how did you know that marriage has been heavy on my mind today? I read the article and I agree with it...a lot. Kris and I both come from divorced parents. Ya know what? We both believe that our parents are not better off divorced. It makes us sad. As for our marriage (7 years this September) we both agree that we are in this for the long haul. It's been hard and we've been through a lot of hard things already, but we firmly believe all of this hard work will pay off in the long run.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I was having a "woe is me" day. Kris and I had a little disagreement last night. Nothing big, we're fine. I got on Facebook earlier and a Joyce Meyer's quote said something about forgiveness and now I'm on your blog and just read this article about marriage. So, what I'm saying is, I am going to forgive and quit feeling sorry for myself. Move forward.
Okay, sorry for the book.
Have a great Saturday!
Sarah P. from Iowa
Sarah, forgiveness is essential and can also be very hard. Believe me, I know. You have the right attitude!
DeleteLike Dave says about any book or blog in this case (even Christian)....you don't have to agree with the whole thing to appreciate what is being said and learn something from it. I really don't like the swears and I didn't read anything else on the blog but I was encouraged by the post. Marriage is hard work. It's good to read it from her perspective.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Best advice I've ever been given about reading materials (magazines, books, internet, etc.) was "Eat the meat and spit out the bones."
DeleteThank you for directing us to that blog. Her words had a lot of wisdom born of experience!
ReplyDeleteWe have been married almost 36 years (in two weeks) and our marriage is great ... the result of MUCH hard work!
Happy Upcoming Anniversary Cyndi K G! Wonder if you and your hubby were married on the same day as Susan and hers. ;-) jep
DeleteJune 24 for us <3
DeleteJune 28 for us (27 this year!)
DeleteDi
June 28 for us (27 this year!)
DeleteDi
On June 26th, we will have been married for 31 years. It has been VERY difficult. Please pray for me around that time. My husband and I have been separated since October due to his sin~~long story.
DeleteI have hope for our future and that the years ahead will be God honoring.
sending a hug to you Robin. And prayers.
DeleteLove and hugs to you today, Robin. And courage.
DeleteRobin, I will pray for you.
DeleteSarah P. from Iowa
I thought marriage was hard and then we had children and parenting for me was even harder. All that responsibility, all that worry and demanded attention and all the patience I needed when they were teens. My hair turned gray overnight during the teen years. Both marriage and parenthood have made me a better, less self centered person...both have been rewarding, but those bumps in the road could be tough. Interesting article and writer, but not someone I would follow. Like Susan said, I am thankful for QL, you Miz Boo and all the QLCS folks. love and prayers, jep
ReplyDelete{{{LIKE}}}
DeleteI do believe immaturity and a sense of entitlement have tarnished and ruined a lot of marriages. Basically, spoiled kids who want it all. I say she is still immature. Those who have to cuss and use vile language to prove a point, prove nothing to me but immaturity. I am especially talking the "F" word.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I first went to blogs. I noticed Ree's and Duece's blog. The Confessions on Ree's and Duece's by-lines were no comparison. I never went back, and Ree hasn't looked back. I am no prude, but that isn't my cup of blog tea. I love some Quiet Life, where fun and harmony abound.
Marriage----you put him first and he put's you first, you both put God first- then you have a first rate marriage. I love y'all.
Oh so true Cece..."you put him first and he puts you first, you both put God first..." it really does work. jep
DeleteI have the strangest filtering problem. I can handle some language, but I seriously am such a prude about the 'f' word, especially in writing - I can handle it just a little in movies, but I have almost zero tolerance for it in writing. I think it's because it's such shear writing laziness - like you couldn't come up with a better way to say that? Sheesh. So I think marriage is hard an God is good and I learn more about me as I walk closely with my Lord and my husband... And I don't need f bombs to tell me so. I just need my quiet life pals. :) I like that you shared it, Donna, because it made me have to stop and think about why it bugs me so,to read things that are written like this. I know that Anita is prude #1 for sure - by name - but I've gotta be awful close.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Proud Prude Stephie
Or do I mean 'sheer'? I think I mean 'sheer'.
DeleteDuh.
I agree, Steph. The laziness of going for the f bomb can be annoying. I agree about "sheer", too. :)
DeleteMary Z
How do you feel about the word doochebag?
DeleteLOL
ducking
You are full of such interesting surprises Miz Boo. I love you for it. :)
DeleteSometimes douchebag certainly applies.
Delete*side note : douche is the German word for shower. Random yes?
I'm all about the douchebag. ;)
DeleteHappy upcoming anniversaries to Susan and Cindy K G and their hubbies! Thanks for sharing the article, Donna. It did make me think. Something I could probably benefit from doing more often. :0)
ReplyDeleteHappy weekend to all! The sun is shining which is such a gift!
Mary Z
I loved this, and i wish I would have had in my first year of marriage...when I was trying to figure the whole thing out. It's been a journey, but thank God we've survived :)
ReplyDeleteDonna, I read it and agree. Then, another friend linked the following later on the same day! This one is from a Christian, male, married-two-years perspective, but I thought the message was similar: http://crossshapedstuff.com/2013/06/04/how-i-know-my-wife-married-the-wrong-person/
ReplyDeleteI haven't read it all yet but I got to the part about not divorcing and it made me remember this: Last January, we were on a trip with very close friends and at the end of the trip they asked us this question, "So, what's the secret to marriage?" My husband and I have been married 15 years. My reply was simple and shocking to them, "Not getting a divorce." They laughed and so I responded, "Really. It's not going to be pretty all the time. In fact, it's going to be downright hideous at times. Times where you think you'd be better off alone because you'll have tried the other "secrets to happy marriage" - like open communication, dating each other regularly, putting each other first instead of the kids, "filling up your spouse's love tank", blah, blah, blah - and that won't be enough. And the only real secret is to stick it out and not leave." And it's true. You'll do things to each other and to yourself that you never imagined you were capable of. You'll be ashamed, angry, apathetic but you can go on. With help. An excellent counselor. Deep, ugly self-examination. Sometimes hurtful honesty. But it can last and it can be better than you ever imagined if you aren't afraid. .... I hope all your children read these responses and keep these things in mind. I know I'll be sure and tell this to all of mine before they enter in to the 2nd most incredible relationship of their lives.
ReplyDeleteYour response to the friend's question was wonderful!
DeleteI love your reply!
DeleteRebekah, thank you for your honesty. I agree.
DeleteSarah P. from Iowa
I think her perspective is honest, but it's only half of the picture, especially for someone who believes in God and trusts his word to be true.
ReplyDeleteI'll be the first to say that marriage has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and it might be the first really important thing that I started and haven't quit. And I'll go ahead and be honest here and say I've come close. My husband is a pastor, we've had some very hard years, we have three kids, and I have wanted to leave (truly leave, I was done) at least twice. I say this because I believe that it is only because of God's grace that we are still married.
What renegade mother (or whatever it is...sorry I can't quite remember) said about us not being the fulfillment of our spouse is right on. We will never be able to meet the deepest longing of another person. Only God can do that. Augustine has been quoted many times as saying,"Our hearts are restless until they find rest in Thee." We were created to be in a relationship with our Creator. No one can take his place.
A very good book on the subject of biblical marriage is Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. He and his wife wrote it together, and it is from a biblical perspective, so he takes the view that God created man and woman, for one another, and is the author and designer of marriage. He (God) has a plan, and it is very different from the one that is commonly thought of today. I highly recommend it. I confess, reading a book like that doesn't help it get easier right away, but I think that it starts the shift in thinking that can lead to a much stronger, truer, deeper, marriage. The purpose of marriage is much less about an individual, which is hard for modern Americans to swallow, even Christians. :)
I have a kid crying...better go see what's up. Kids: the second hardest thing that I didn't give up on (another miracle).
I appreciate your honesty, Christina. I agree with you, also. Thank you.
DeleteSarah P. from Iowa
{{{LIKE}}}
ReplyDeleteAlso, really loved the last comment -- giving up on the parenting thing is also VERY tempting many moments along the way. Looking back that might be the greater miracle for me :-/
Donna, thanks for linking the article because it has led to many wonderful comments. I just woke up a bit ago over here, and wanted to come check out the QLCS even before coffee!!! (gasp!)
ReplyDeleteI remembered, while I was reading, my standard reply when people ask me what I think is the secret to a happy marriage (said with a wink since there really isn't such a thing):
"Keep your sense of Humor"
Have a blessed Sunday everybody
Thanks Christine for the St. Augustine quote reminder. It warms my soul. It was good for me to read your comment. I once made it as far as the backyard fence thinking about running away from a baby that never slept....I was severely sleep deprived. His father was in the house, so I did not leave him alone. And, yes Susan we all need to keep our sense of humor in both marriage and parenting. Off to get ready for early church, like Susan I wanted to come back and see what others thought here. love and prayers, jep
DeleteLoved this link Donna. Very interesting post and after 25 years of marriage of course it isn't all roses and rainbows. I didn't even mind the swears but I've got a 19 and 14 year old boys with music where the melody is great but I do NOT want to understand what they are saying. (blush) I love your blog and insights and have the darndest time leaving responses (expecially from my iphone), hope this one sticks! Happy Sunday,
ReplyDeleteCarol S.
I'm sorry. I read your link and found it profoundly bad and angry sounding. I wouldn't want to be married to that woman either. Sure my husband and I have had some hard times, but it just made our marriage stronger. The way to stay married and stay in love is easy. Be faithful, have each other's back, don't put the children first and don't hold your anger in, but talk or yell it out. Just don't fume inside until you can't take it any longer and give up. And remember why you got married in the first place. Put each other first. I could go on and on what a good marriage is. This woman sounds like she knows a lot of people with really bad marriages. Sad.
ReplyDeleteAh, Kate. That's not very nice. My husband likes being married to me. At least I think he does - he's stuck around for 12 years! Also, did you read the whole post? Because I basically said the same thing you did... "we had hard times but it just made us stronger."
DeleteMan, people are mean! And a commenter above called my blog "unsafe!"
Sometimes I end up on threads like this and I think to myself "Why are people so mean to a complete stranger?" I mean you don't even know me. I'm just another human being on the planet, trying to survive and get by, sharing a few ideas about a few things I've learned...and yet there are people saying really harsh stuff! It's one thing to have a critical opinion, it's another to say what you did. But I guess I put myself in the line of fire when I write. And honestly, people like you are the minority, and the people I may help with my honesty far outweighs the stab to my gut when I read stuff like this.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was replying to Donna, not you, by the way, but since you have inserted yourself I will stand by what I said. I don't have friends who talk badly about their husbands. The most important thing I told my daughter when she got married was to NEVER say anything bad about her husband to her friends or anyone else because there are enough people in the world who will gladly put him down. I don't appreciate women who whine to each other about their husbands. I stay as far from them as I can because it is usually them who has the problem. I have never asked myself even once why I married my husband. Maybe it's a generational thing since you haven't been married half as long as I have. I did read the whole post, but your foul language turned me off. Next time I comment on a blog, I hope it is the blogger who responds, not some other blogger. If you can't take the heat, be careful what you write for public viewing.
DeleteDonna,
ReplyDeleteThank you for linking to my post. I found this through the "stats" on my blog. I'm glad you liked the post, and some of your readers did too. I do swear a lot. Maybe it's laziness, but mostly I think it's because sometimes the only word I want to use is an "f bomb," or some other swear word. It just MUST be there. :) Plus, my academic and professional writing is all swear-free, so my blog is my place to say it however I want. I named it "renegade mothering" for a reason. :)
All my best,
Janelle
Hi Janelle,
DeleteI really did love your post. I thought it was well written and funny and touching. That's why I linked it. From previous discussions here in the comments, I knew the swearing would not be everyone's cup of tea, and that is why I warned them. I happen to see the humor in swearing....where other's do not. That's okay. I'm so glad you stuck it out and found the sweetness....I love your honesty.
Marriage is so hard and I think about this topic a lot!! Thanks!
Donna
How nice to see Janelle's take on things. I thought her blog post was dramatic and thought she highlighted the worst moments of marriage so we could all maybe feel a bit better about our own imperfect relationships. And bringing hope to relationships where one partner has unrealistic fantasies of what they should be getting from their spouse. Then ending with a gleeful picture of the two of them, which clearly suggests love prevails and happiness can be yours if you don't fall for the romantic movie traps. The fact that Donna and her sister liked the post (but disclaimer was clear, not the swears) made the post hit home that much more. I liked it, thanks Donna and Janelle.
ReplyDeleteOh.my.goodness. I just read the article. Wow! I am speechless. Language aside, good article. Marriage is REALLY HARD and we expect way too much out of it. I have learned that marriage was made to honor and glorify God and I have failed at that miserably. I could go on and on, but I won't. Thank you for posting the this Donna.
ReplyDeleteI just remembered this: Last week all 7 of my children were here(my kids range from 14 to almost 30.) The older ones asked me which year of marriage is the hardest and I answered, "You're asking me!!!" After almost 31 years of marriage and numerous problems my husband has had over the years every year has been a difficult year!
ReplyDeleteOh Robin. Big hug coming your way. I'm so glad I posted the link. I'm thankful for Janelle's honesty and being willing to say what many of us just couldn't say outloud.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Donna. I find it so refreshing when people aren't afraid to tell it like it really is. Have you ever read any of Sarah Markley's writing?
Deletea couple years ago i wrote a blog on our anniversary about how we had made it another year... and how sometimes that is better than good enough, sometimes that's cause for a freaking celebration. because it's true. marriage is really hard, harder than most realize. worth it, but hard just the same. but i don't blame meg ryan, i don't base my expectations on movies and books. and when things look shallow and marriage gets hard, i pull out our old letters and cards... and then i feel less sad for myself, and more sad for matthew, because we both have changed, because i see what i used to be for him. and i tearfully apologize to him for not being what i should be, and thank him for fighting this fight with me. and i remember how wonderful he is, and for an hour or so i don't get upset when i have to clean pee off the floor. and this is marriage. this is life. and i am grateful to not have to go it alone. and i love him.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.putonlove.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-baby-smell.html
http://www.putonlove.blogspot.com/2012/12/my-matthew.html
the blog was a fantastic read, and the swearing didn't bother me a bit. (mostly because i swear more than that in my head, but somehow manage to allow only a small amount actually make it to audible words).
My 9 yr anniversary was a few days ago, and I whole-heartedly agree with what Janelle said in many ways. Throwing in the towel seems easy in the heat of the moment, when you feel nothing but despair, regret, anger or emptiness. Counseling helps. Not leaving helps. Sometimes distance and time to think helps. And kids may not be the reason to stay together, but the fact that kids are present makes us think long and hard about the future and how it looks in one scenario (together) vs. another (apart). I found her perspective on that point insightful.
ReplyDeleteAs for cussing...eh. I do it a lot. Because I have children, I think about it a lot. I see it as a vice. I would rather someone used profanity to get things off of their chest than to hold it in or go out and find any number of destructive ways to handle their emotions. In many situations, cussing is downright funny and appropriate, in my humble and somewhat twisted opinion. There are so many hurtful, terrible ways to use words...cussing to blow off some steam or inject humor is not so terrible.