It ain't that tragic.

As you know, no matter what happens in my life, a movie reference is right there...waiting to come out.

When I was diagnosed on Sept 15th 2023 I immediately thought of this scene from Terms of Endearment.

I didn't realize until about an hour ago that today was the 15th.

I yelled to Patrick, who is in the other room, 

'hey, it's the anniversary today'

He said.

'I know.'

Funny, he didn't mention it.

He said it wasn't an anniversary to celebrate.

I get that.

Dedication: To my husband, an unexpected nice guy.

"Who would have expected you to be a nice guy?"

A prized line aimed at one of my husband's favorite actors.

Thank you, Honey.

I love you.

Dear.

DG

After all. Purpose.

 

After All

I'd like to share this video from Princess Catherine.

I'm sure most of you have seen it elsewhere, but I wanted to keep it in a safe place and document it on my blog.

Remarkably,  I have come to a very similar realization that Catherine did, even tho we arrived there in almost completely different circumstances.  She being young with a young family. 

Me being isolated and pretty old.

I started feeling lost as to what my life was all about as I could not go anywhere or do anything and I was weak and feeling useless.  

I remembered a book I read (in the 90's), recommended by Elisabeth Elliot, called Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss.

In this book you follow Katie, as she writes in her journal, from her school days to her final days when she is bedridden.  

The following is the final entry to her journal.

"I have no wish to choose. But I have come to the last page of my Journal, and living or dying, shall write in this volume no more. It closes upon a life of much childishness and great sinfulness, whose record makes me blush with shame but I no longer need to relieve my heart with seeking sympathy in its unconscious pages nor do I believe it well to go on analyzing it as I have done. I have had large experience of both joy and sorrow; I have the nakedness and the emptiness and I have seen the beauty and sweetness of life. What I say now, let me say to Jesus. What time and strength I used to spend in writing here, let me spend in praying for all men, for all sufferers who are out of the way, for all whom I love. And their name is Legion for I love everybody.

Yes I love everybody! That crowning joy has come to me at last. Christ is in my soul; He is mine; I am as conscious of it as that my husband and children are mine; and His Spirit flows from mine in the calm peace of a river whose banks are green with grass and glad with flowers. If I die it will be to leave a wearied and worn body, and a sinful soul to go joyfully to be with Christ, to weary and to sin no more. If I live, I shall find much blessed work to do for Him. So living or dying I shall be the Lord's.

But I wish, oh how earnestly, that whether I go or stay, I could inspire some lives with the joy that is now mine. For many years I have been rich in faith; rich in an unfaltering confidence that I was beloved of my God and Saviour. But something was wanting I was ever groping for a mysterious grace the want of which made me often sorrowful in the very midst of my most sacred joy, imperfect when I most longed for perfection. It was that personal love to Christ of which my precious mother so often spoke to me which she often urged me to seek upon my knees. If I had known then, as I know now what this priceless treasure could be to a sinful human soul, I would have sold all that I had to buy the field wherein it lay hidden. But not till I was shut up to prayer and to the study of Gods word by the loss of earthly joys, sickness destroying the flavor of them all, did I begin to penetrate the mystery that is learned under the cross. And wondrous as it is, how simple is this mystery! To love Christ and to know that I love Him-this is all!

And when I entered upon the sacred yet oft-times homely duties of married life, if this love had been mine, how would that life have been transfigured! The petty faults of my husband under which I chafed would not have moved me; I should have welcomed Martha and her father to my home and made them happy there; I should have had no conflicts with my servants, shown no petulance to my children. For it would not have been I who spoke and acted but Christ who lived in me.

Alas! I have had less than seven years in which to atone for a sinful, wasted past and to live a new and a Christ-like life. If I am to have yet more, thanks be to Him who has given me the victory, that Life will be Love. Not the love that rests in the contemplation and adoration of its object; but the love that gladdens, sweetens, solaces other lives."

    O gifts of gifts!

Remembering Katie's conclusion 

helped men realize what I could do next....

And that would be loving God and loving others.

***

The following list came across my screen at the perfect time.

This.

And these are the things I contemplate as I come out of the woods...

pondering my purpose

after all.

Love you!

Donna

DYE! Not GUY!

So, have you ever had a CAT scan?

It's really a breeze.  Compared to an MRI on your breast or your liver.  A CT scan is a cakewalk.

You lie on your back with a foam triangle under your knees and usually hold on to something above your head.  Then you go in and out and in and our of a donut shaped thing.

It's not painful or loud.

I have had seven or eight in the last year.

50% of the time I needed DYE injected into my IV half way thru.

They warn you that the dye will feel uncomfortable in your arm and maybe your throat and probably in your crotch..  Yes. Your crotch.  

Here is the text I wrote to my husband, Patrick, upon completely my CT scan.

Dear Patrick,

I will never NOT think this is hilarious.

*******

Patrick went to almost every appointment with me.  He was still working, however,  when I went to the following appointment.

I really didn't mind....

Oh. Yes. He. Can.

****************

Truly, Patrick ran to Walgreens daily for me.

He did now win a prize from Walgreens.

But he won my heart.

**********

When my hair fell out in the goofiest way ever I wrote to Matthew and told him I looked just like

 Ben Franklin.  

He decided to find a lovely wig for me.

Only 1 left.

bwahahahaha

**********

We know how to have fun around here!!!

Encourge one another.

LYMI

Donna Boo

 

Welcome September. It's the best month. Right?

How I love poetry with word pictures and feelings and smells....

LYMI

Donna Boo

"The things you think you can't survive you somehow divinely make it through."

Over the last year I have saved quotes that encouraged me while going thru treatment.

"I have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay.

Small acts of kindness and love."

Gandalf

My brother in law sent this to me.  We are not generally in touch.

But he thought of me one day and sent it.

I found comfort in this.

My other brother in law, whom I generally don't text...

texted Patrick almost daily asking about me.

Knowing someone cares and is checking in is a sweet comfort.

I had two pesky wounds that took from Nov. 15 until May 15ish to heal.

The healing was indeed miraculous. I was told over and over by the oncologist that

'these will not heal when you are on Chemo.'

After some dramatic wound events, Patrick learned how to take care of my wounds and packed and dressed them twice a day.

He prayed that they would heal. Diligently.

He was sure they would heal.

And they did.

Patrick and I have been married for 44 years.  I'm not aware of much praying going on in those first 40 years....

He has, however,  become the family prayer warrior in the last few years.

This is a miracle too.

He has been encouraged to have witnessed many answered prayers.

I couldn't really pray much for myself so I am thankful for a husband who lifts me and the children up in prayer with great faith in the outcome.

I'm sure you all have had some sort of trauma in your life.  A restful night's sleep is a challenge.  

It took great effort to stop the reel of traumatic events from playing over and over.

Seeing the events from start to finish.

Telling your story over and over in your head.

This is trauma. 

I learned to catch those thoughts. 

I had to recognize what I was doing.

"Okay, I'm spiraling again. Yes.  It was awful. It is over now.

You are safe.  Give it to God."

It was the unexpected things that got me.

This is the best way I can think of as to how I felt.

Not badass at all.

I surrender all

Cindy. Every morning.

Day after surgery.

crosses and hearts from the holy land.

Sisters always praying and loving.

and cleaning. haha

Children remembering to pray.

My constant.

Like the prayers being spoken for George Bailey at the beginning of "It's a Wonderful Life",

the prayers for me lifted and surrounded me as I slowly healed.

The good parts. 

The encouraging parts.

If I want to become a stand up comedian I have a few wild

stories that would, I promise, have you laughing so hard.

How can something so traumatic be so hilarious?

I do know a few things;

I'd rather make someone laugh than cry.

Positive statements are calming.

"It is going to heal." 

(my favorite)

No matter how this ends up,

I get to go be with Jesus.

And so it goes.

Next time.

What do I do with this life,

when I can't do much?

Love you. Mean it.

Encourage one another,

Donna Elsie

The Thunderbirds were loud and so was I.

As I mentioned in the last post, Patrick has retired.  His main focus has been taking care of me and the house and Ginny.  As soon as I was finished with treatments Patrick started his own summer of appointments and walking and PT.  So his retirement has been a dud.  He does, however, like not working.  He likes not doing anything. 

We finally were able to take a trip to visit the kids.

Matthew and I schemed to go to the Offut Air Force base Air Show.

Patrick Jr. of course would join us and when I mentioned to Emma that we were going to Omaha,

she really wanted to come and see everyone, too.  So a quick family gathering fell into messy place.

Katie stayed home and watched Ginny for us as she did not have time off on such short notice.  It's a shame she couldn't come, but the boys and Emma had all been here in the Spring and she saw everyone then.

Please enjoy these random pictures.  

We congregated at Matthew and Melinda's.

They handle the chaos well.

The big kids. 

We watched the air show at a near by lake. (I'm not quite strong enough to hike thru a big crowd at a airforce base yet, so Matthew found the perfect spot.)  We parked under big poplar trees and basically had a picnic with an airshow thrown in.  This suited us all better than sitting in the sun on the tarmac!  

(It was in the 90's)

We took a photo!  Yay. Patrick Jr. was not there yet. Boo.

He has a little guy and he works around naps and does a great job!

Fun photobomb. 

Malachi  (6th grade) and Asher (8th grade)

Emma and happy little Jordan.

Jordan dear

Dottie, Patrick's oldest gal.  He will be a first grader,

homeschooled by mom.  She is reading already and just loves books.

Silas is my buddy.  He planted his mini chair next to my big chair and we had a chat.  

Zeke made friends with a cicada.  

(He is my friend, too)

Emma has been my airshow buddy for years.

We saw so many shows in Chicago together!

Melinda looking beautiful as usual!

She is not really a fan...might have something to do with the sunburn she had while laboring with Asher after a hot sunny airshow back in 2010.

Oh, how everyone loves having their pictures taken! haha

I'm glad to have the memory.  Sunday morning at a park before we all head home.

Patrick snapped the best shot of the day!  The original photo is a 'live' version and you can see the jets flying and starting the smoke!  It's great!

Griffin was unimpressed!  

*********

Hair growth photos

Aug 22nd

five and 1/2 months post chemo

To see more of the hair story follow link below

 Quiet Life: The Aftermath

*******

So there you have my awkward return to family blogging.

I've got another post in the works so that should be up soon.

Thank you for the kind comments on the last blog.

They were as lovely as always.  I feel so fortunate to have you all in my life.

Encourage one another,

Donna

 

Encourage one another...the aftermath.

 Since 2004 this blogspace has been a place for encouragement.

A place for beauty. friends, faith and fun.

I was short on those things and felt too overwhelmed to share my illness with the world.  So I didn't.

As Nora Ephron says "Everything is copy."  ("meaning that anything and everything that happens to you is fair game to write about.")

Nora died of a blood disease.  And she did not write about it.  

I could not write about my cancer either.

I could not even communicate well about it to my family.  Patrick became a great liaison for me. He kept our families informed about each appointment, about the healing of wounds, ER visits and low days.  

As Ethyl says about Norman in On Golden Pond, "You are my knight in shining armour, don't you forget it." I now say this earnestly about my dear husband.

There is a reason, I'm sharing this now.  Because  I've needed encouragement ABOUT MY HAIR and have not found any on line.  I'm going to provide pictures to show the progression of how hideous it is to lose your hair (it was for me) and how long it takes to grow back.  

"This is what you want to share, Donna?"

Yes. This what I want to share.  

In a nutshell I will fill you in:

Sept 15, 2023 I was diagnosed with Triple Neg. Breast Cancer. .9

Nov 15, 2023 Surgery. Lumpectomy. Three lymph nodes removed to check for cancer.

Nov ?, 2023. Clear margins.  Lymph nodes clear.

Dec. 20, 2023 Chemo starts. four rounds. 

March 4, 2024 Final Chemo

May 5, 2024  Hospitalization for blood clots in leg and lungs

May 15, 2024 Radiation starts.  

June 5, 2024 Final Radiation. 

All done.  We've done what we can.  Just hope and pray this nasty form of cancer hasn't traveled.  And for that... I just wait.  

Wait and grow my hair!

See....the weird thing is as I was hiding away with my cancer so no one had to know, my hair is a blabber mouth after all the treatments are done.

Okay.  Here we go with the pictures.  Ready.

Should I  bury the lead and show you my hair now? nope. gotta wait.

I bought hats. I don't like hats. But I bought hats.

Got a trim just before chemo.

I tried a cold cap.  This is suppose to save your hair by making it so cold that the chemicals can't get to your hair roots. You wear it during chemo and it adds hours to your treatment.

 It is costly. 

Ice on my hair after wearing the cold cap.

Finished with first chemo and first cold cap.

Feeling just fine and ready to go home.  

Wondering how I will feel in the days to come...

Three weeks later.  My hair started falling out.

Jan 11th, 2024

I'd say over 70% of my hair fell out.

I started wearing hats.  I would not look at myself in the mirror.

You see, my hair was the last thing I had going for me.

Don't argue.  Everything else. Pretty much shot.

Now I looked like Ben Franklin on a good day and Gollum on a bad day.

And so I wore hats and was happy to have those long strands to create the illusion of still having nice hair. ha.  The second Chemo I was mad about the hair falling out and an ill timed comment by my doctor's assistant....and I could not deal with the cold cap so decided not to use it.

(Good news about that, I got a big refund)

And this was my winter.  Watching Kdramas.  Being lonely. 

One day at a time.

I washed and fluffed my hair.  

I know so many, maybe even most would shave it all off but not me.

 I liked my strands.  A lot.

And then this happened to my face!

I'm showing you this because it's just too hilarious.

I'm humbled enough already...

thank you very much.

Then I saw this picture of my hair in my memories.

Nice hair girl.

Last day of Chemo.

The strands of hair are almost gone.

Almost. Gone.

So I cut them. 

Now.  So we can see how fast/slow my hair grows. I will date them.

May 3, 2024

Two months post final chemo.

May 8th!  

OMG. 

My hair is growing.

Looking good in back. 

May 21. Feels so soft.

But terribly embarrassed to be in public without a hat.

But let me tell you a funny thing about hats on bald heads.  They slide up and off.

It's very annoying.

Janet sent me lip gloss to look more feminine.

Maybe a scarf will help.

May 31, 2024

June 5th 2024

Done with all treatments.

I am the bearer of cowlicks.  My widows peak is returning.

June 14, 2024

My hair color is exactly like my brother Jim's now.  

June 14, 2024

I found a headband with a bow.  This makes me happy and I can go out in public.

June 22, 2024

June 24th 2024

It feels really slow.  

Quite thick. But not as long as I would have expected

June 27th 2024

July 4th 2024.

four months post final chemo.

July 21st.

It doesn't feel like it is growing.

Only if I look back at the May pictures am I reminded of how it was.

Aug 6th.

Aug 11th 2024

A good week of hair growing

Today. 

August 14th

Washed and fluffed.

Aug 14th 2024

Aug 14th 2024

Five Months Post chemo.

I will continue to update you all on the state of my hair.

1. The cold cap did not work for me at all.

2. I have taken two vitamins and used one serum on my hair.

I do not know if they worked.

I used vitamins and serum from Champo.

And I used Mary Ruths Liquid Morning and Hair growth vitamins.

I'm not horrified to look at myself now. So that is really good.

And now I've outed myself about The cancer so I don't have to hide and you will know why my hair is so short when I post on FB or Insta or here.

Patrick is retired now.  He has been my helper as mentioned above.  That gives me a good topic for next time I think.

The helpers.

Please don't be mad at me because I couldn't share more publically.  I know you would all have been praying like crazy for me.  

Love you.  Missed you. Mean it.

Donna